Apologies

I have been a very bad blogger, I have been very lazy in writing in here, and have even.....(hangs head in shame) started a new one, just to document my Slimming World journey. So I have been neglecting this, more general blog.


I will continue to share my randomness with you, exciting things have happened, including seeing the Olympic Torch...

Losing a stone in weight....

and attending the awesome Lowestoft Air Show

So life has been busy, and I've been working as well! Please take a look at my Slimming World blog, it has lots of recipes and things on there, and to be honest, I'll be updating it more than this one.

Fifty Shades Read

Now, unless you've been living on the moon for the last couple of months you'll have heard of the books by E.L. James charting the story of Christian Grey...

I love reading, I'll read most things, although I do have a bit of an aversion to anything overtly popular. I didn't pick up a Harry Potter book until The Goblet Of Fire was released as it was hyped up, although I'll admit the hype was worth it for those. So, when these books literally exploded in popularity I was very wary. When I started hearing the books were like marmite, I was even more wary of bothering with them. Eventually I figured I was just that nosey that I wanted to find out what all the fuss was about....(spoilers ahead if you are one of the 3 people who haven't read them..)


Basically the books are about the relationship between the stunningly handsome billionaire Christian Grey and the virginal, innocent college student Anastasia Steele. They meet, he wants her to be his submissive, she umms and aaah's about signing the Dom/sub contract he offers her whilst they have a lot of sex. She also bites her lips, talks to her inner goddess and subconcious. A LOT. A lot has been said about the "BDSM" sex the book contains, now there are elements of Domination and bondage, and some of the language Christian uses is quite authentically controlling, it isn't really anything much more than most people might indulge in now and again.

As books, they are laughably badly written, the characters are mostly one dimensional, the language is annoyingly samey and the storylines are threadbare and barely make much sense. The relationship flies along at breakneck speed and all subtlety is lost.

As erotica, they are not sure where they want to be, there is enough "kinky fuckery" to turn off the more inherently vanilla readers, in fact some reviews I've seen have called Christian's behaviour abusive and misogynistic. There are certainly lots of sex scenes, but they become dreadfully repetitive and, again, I've seen plenty of reviewers saying they were skipping the sex scenes. If you ARE into kink, whilst some of the language Christian uses is more than familiar, the scenes themselves aren't quite as deep into kinky territory as the blurb would have you believe, add into the fact that being into BDSM is portrayed as something only the most damaged of individuals partake in, and I can't see the appeal from that angle either.

So what is it? Is it the thought of a man who wants nothing more than to look after you completely and utterly? Is it the idea of being the one woman who can heal this broken and damaged man? Is in the mothering instinct coming to the forefront, with those readers just wanting to love Mr Grey? Are women REALLY wanting this kind of sexual adventure, complete with spanking, cuffs, blindfolds and floggers?

For me, even after reading them, I have no idea of the appeal. I've read many, much more gripping reads. I've read erotica that genuinely has me squirming away, and I've read love stories with much more depth. Yes, they're fluff, yes they're throwaway beach reads, but these books have become a phenomenon and I, for one, would LOVE to know why, so if you've read them (and I know many of my friends have) please, please leave me a comment as to what the books did for you?

The LAST Time!

Yesterday I signed up for Slimming World for the last time. I'm heavier than I've ever been, and I'm determined to finally shift all the excess weight.

I've followed Slimming World before, so I know it works, and I know I lose weight on it. As I have recovered more and more from my depression, and as life starts to look a bit more normal, losing weight was always next on my list, as I know my size doesn't help with my moods.

So last week I decided that now is the time. Last night I joined my local group, and made sure it was a group that had different classes so that I can even attend during different shift weeks - no excuses! I'm reading the books through again, making sure I'm following the plan properly, looking at it with new eyes. I'm feeling totally fired up, and am looking forward to going to class each week, I know it's going to take a long time, after all it took me a fair while to put all the weight on, but I have support and I AM going to do this!

My target is my 40th birthday, which is 2 years,7 months and 27 days away. Plenty of time for a slow, steady weight loss to pay off. Go me :)

App Happy!

I always knew, even before I had an iPhone that the apps would be a problem. I knew I wouldn't be able to resist even the silliest of them, and currently have nearly 90 (yes I know) on my phone! Thank goodness for folders :)

Some of them I only use rarely, but find them useful, whereas some I use/play with every day. I'm always looking for recommendations for must haves, so I thought I'd chuck my twopenneth worth into the app review blogarama :)

Meon

Meon is my favourite app. I had it on my old HTC, and it was the first app I searched for on the iPhone. It's a simple puzzle game, you have to light up the little meons with the lights, but it can get fiendishly tricky!

You genuinely have to use the old grey matter too, you only get a couple of hints for each level and have to pay for solvers, so you're on your own!

It really is a fab little app. The lite version is free, so you can give it a go, and if you like it, the full version is only 69p. A bargain!

Flipboard

 I came across Flipboard by chance when I was just browsing though the App Store. I guess the easiest explanation is that it's like a personal internet magazine. You select the items you're interested in, such as FB, Technology, News or Sport and it delivers interesting articles and updates in each relevant category.

You can also link in your social network accounts, such as Twitter and Instagram and it will present a little digest for you.

It's a free app, and one that is fabulous for finding odds and sods you'd probably never search for, but are usually of interest. I always find something to read when I open it.

Data Usage Monitor

If you don't have unlimited data in your tariff, then something like this is SO useful. This is Data Usage Monitor, and basically you put in your billing date and your data allowance and it shows you how much you've used in the easy to read dials!

This one monitors wifi and 3G separately as well. It's unbelievably easy to use, and could save you having some nasty unexpected charges for using too much data!

It's also quite scary to see just how much data you use up whilst streaming!

I'm astounded by this app. I can't believe it's free! It's called My Fitness Pal and it's a calorie counter/fitness app. You input your details, tell it how much you want to lose and it tells you how many calories you can eat to lose the required amount of weight (maxiumum of 2lbs a week). You can scan the barcodes of your food to find the details easily, and just add things to your diary.

You can also add in excercise, and it charts your progress. It really is astonishingly in depth, and all for free. I used it for 2 weeks and lost 4lbs, so it does what it says on the tin! Absolutely excellent! Even if you just want to keep an eye on what you're eating it will help you out.

Asda

Not so exciting maybe, but this is the Asda app. I do use their home shopping quite often as it's a great way of budgeting, and this little app makes it easier than the website.
You can scan things onto your shopping list, so you can just wander round the kitchen, scan what you're getting low on and voila, it gets added to your list!

Even if you're searching for items, it's gloriously easy, so easy that I often use this instead of the website, as it's so very simple to use! A must have if you use Asda's home shopping.



I think that'll do for now, although I still have tons more that I love, most of them are more mainstream and well known. Please share your must have apps below, as you can never have too many ;)

Diamond Days!

As you *may* have noticed, this last weekend has been the Diamond Jubilee. I've been off all week and so was suitably excited by the time Friday rolled around. I loved the documentary on BBC One, with the Prince of Wales watching childhood home videos, a truly lovely show which showed another side to the Royal family.

Saturday, despite all the weather forecasts was gorgeously sunny! We went to the Jubilee Fete in a park in town and had a lovely time, eating cake, watching donkey rides and maypole dancing and mulling over the outrageous size of sheep testicles....

 The Park, in the wonderful sunshine.

 The cute donkeys :)

Check out the size of THOSE bad boys lol!

We finished off with a stroll along the seafront, arriving home just minutes before the heavens opened! How's that for timing?

Sunday was a Barnsley visit, and despite the weather Hague had a wonderful time with the boys whilst I tried to watch the outrageously bad coverage of the Thames Pageant on iPlayer....seriously, how hard is it to actually show the boats and hear the music?? Seriously bad work from Auntie Beeb :(

Monday had been decreed a lazy day (by me) so we had a few beers and relaxed until the evening when we headed out again for the lighting of the beacon and fireworks (boy, do I LOVE fireworks lol). It was packed  on the sea front, full of people out to celebrate and enjoy themselves!

 Fireworks (red, white and blue of course)

Jubilee Beacon

The fireworks were fantastic, all red, white or blue and it gave me a chance to practice firework photography too!

Tuesday heralded the 6th birthday of my youngest Niece Carys, a lovely way to end a lovely weekend, with family and a very excited little girl playing her new guitar and showing off her red, white and blue dress.

Shame every weekend can't be like this eh? Gawd Bless Ya, Your Maj :) 

Passing Me By!

I have once again been neglecting my little blog. I've been back to work (I know), and seem to have been doing nothing but sleeping and working!

I guess you could say this is progress as I made it through a whole week, must admit I'm enjoying my week off now though :)

So what have I been up to?

Working
Job hunting for Hague
Walking The Boo
Sleeping
Not sleeping
STILL taking photos
Enjoying the sun
Still loving my phone
Not blogging

So there you have it, life has continued as normal! ;) I shall be updating more often, I promise!

Sleep. The Final Frontier!

The time is almost upon us. On Monday I shall (once again) be heading back to work. This time I'm hoping it's for good, no more trip ups or bumps in the road, just a straight up back to work and back to normality!

My moods are pretty much there, no more wild swings and deep depressive days. My anxiety seems to be under control, I still feel anxious, but am more able to control those feelings. However, there is one stone in my return to work shoe.....my sleep. I'm still not sleeping well, I either sleep too much or not enough  - waking up shattered and wanting to nap again later. This is the last hurdle I have to overcome, and I'm sure that when I'm working the sleep will be easier, at least I hope so.

This last week was supposed to be a week of fun, of enjoying these last few days and making sure I was in a good place ready for Monday. We did manage to head out and enjoy the sunshine on Tuesday, but on Wednesday I was walloped by a migraine, that has only just retreated today, so that wiped out Thursday completely :(

That means the (free - yay) visit to the cinema to see Avengers Assemble as been held off until the weekend. So here we are again....returning to work, having normal weekends, and getting back to myself! This time it's for good!

Coming Out The Other Side

It's been an age since I've blogged. I guess the urge to share my life disappears slightly when each day blends into the other, locked in a Groundhog Day existence of similar, anxious days and sleepless nights.

However, over the last couple of weeks, I've noticed a rather pleasant change. Slowly, but surely my anxious moments are lessening. My moods are quite even now. I am able to leave the house on my own and be just fine. Today I had a meeting at work, something that a few weeks ago would have thrown me into days of anxiety, passed by without incident. A HUGE step forward for me, and something I'm quite proud of. It looks like I'm finally getting there, finally getting back to normality, and am now just over a week away from a return to work - I'm feeling okay about that too.

I'm also still in love with my iPhone. I love the things it can do, I love the camera, I love the apps and I love the sheer fact that it streamlines everything into one phone. Just wonderful :)

I'm sure I'll be blogging more now that I'm starting to feel a lot better, here's hoping anyway!

The Yearly Debate

It's that time of the year again. Early spring, which brings with it daffodils, bright skies, Easter and FA Cup semi-finals. It also brings the most debated sporting event in the calendar (in England anyway). The Grand National.

I'm sure many of you have already decided what this blog will be about, knowing I'm a soppy, animal loving vegetarian. However, I'm probably going to prove you wrong! As always, Twitter and Facebook have been alight with calls to ban horse racing due to the devastatingly sad news that two horses failed to survive the race this year. Despite safety changes being made every year to the course at Aintree, yet more horses have sustained injuries that cannot be treated. I hate this fact, I hate than any animal has to die.....but.....those horses were doing what they were trained to do. They were doing what they loved, running alongside other horses, being part of a pack.

Whilst I can be upset at this news, I am confused as to the amount of people calling for the sport to be banned. I'm confused as to the difference between this "cruel" sport and the eating of meat. Purebred race horses are bred to race. They are looked after, nurtured and cared for by trainers who want the best for their animals. These animals are there because of the racing industry. If racing was banned, those animals would either be put to sleep, or put out to pasture, despite being bred to run and race and jump. Isn't that more cruel to those magnificent animals?

How is the tragic fall of a racehorse, who is then attended by vets and only euthanised if the injury is untreatable (as is often the case with broken limbs), and even then, is treated with dignity, shielded from the crowd and put to sleep quickly, more cruel than the death of a cow, pig, lamb or chicken destined to end its life in a slaughterhouse? Part of a production line with hundreds of others, dealt with as a commodity to satisfy the taste for fresh meat?

Perhaps I'm oversimplifying, but how is the value of one animal decided? Is it how cute they are? Is it the fact that horseracing is a spectacle, broadcast for the world to see whilst animals destined for plates are dealt with away from prying eyes, only reaching view when in palatable little plastic trays, devoid of their "cuteness"?

Before deciding that something is cruel, perhaps a deeper view is needed. People in general will never, ever agree. It's our very nature to provoke and debate. However, much as I don't eat meat, wear leather and try to be responsible in the products I use I would not call for the eating of meat to be banned. It's an industry, like any other, that contributes to our economy and the same goes for horse racing.

If you ban horse racing, do you then ban halaal meat? What about battery eggs? Non free range meat? Feeding mice to snakes? Where do you draw the line?

Getting There?

I've realised something today. Whilst driving home from Asda it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't felt anxious once.

Perhaps it's had something to do with Hague being away for the weekend, so I HAD to go out and walk Boo, and pop to the shops on my own, and I managed. Despite feeling anxious then, I got through, and so today, the first day of having Hague back, I've not felt panicky.

I'm really hoping this is real progress. I've been following my Occupational Health advisor's advice and it does seem to be slowly helping, it would be nice to think that maybe I'm getting there, that maybe, just maybe I'm only a matter of weeks away from being back to myself, feeling normal again. Able to cope like most other people cope with the normality of life from day to day.

My certificate runs out on Friday, and whilst I don't feel quite ready to go back, I'm certainly feeling like that isn't an impossibility, that going back will be happening sooner rather than later. A feeling I've not had in a long time!

So I shall keep pushing myself onwards, I shall keep doing as I'm advised, and with a bit of luck, I'll be back earning a living before too many more weeks have passed :)

Going Backwards

It's 6.12am on a Monday morning and I should be at work. I have spent the last fortnight doing my utmost to get my head straight, to stop the stressy, anxious feelings and have myself back to work today.

I've failed.

I wish I knew the reasons behind this backward step, I wish I knew why anxiety grips me when I contemplate returning to work. I WAS back at work, I was getting back into the swing of it, I was (just about) coping with the shifts and was getting to know my new workmates and making friends. Yet now I find myself going back to the days of feeling like I'm letting everyone down, the days of being in tears due to the sheer frustration of feeling so damn useless.

I'm still on my medication, even my sleep seems to be getting a bit better (earplugs FTW!), but I feel trapped inside my own head, trapped by my own inability to cope with the simplest task of just going to work in the morning.

If you have never suffered from a depressive illness, you're probably reading this and thinking "Oh pull yourself together for goodness sake", and I wish more than anything it was that easy. When you are trying to cope with a mental illness the effects are just as crushing as a physical ailment. This morning I literally could not get myself ready for work. I even got up early as I knew it would be a bit of a hurdle for me, but when you are still sitting in the bathroom after twenty minutes, telling yourself in so many different ways that you NEED to go to work, you NEED to at least get yourself dressed and the only achievement you manage is to reduce yourself to tears the barrier might as well be a brick wall rather than your own head.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this, I'm in tears still as I type, wondering what it will take just to get me back to where I was a few short weeks ago. I want to be me, I want to be normal, I want my life back - but right now I feel like I have a mountain to climb, and despite having support, in reality only I can drag myself back up, a task that right now might as well be an actual mountain soaring over my head :(