Sleep. The Final Frontier!

The time is almost upon us. On Monday I shall (once again) be heading back to work. This time I'm hoping it's for good, no more trip ups or bumps in the road, just a straight up back to work and back to normality!

My moods are pretty much there, no more wild swings and deep depressive days. My anxiety seems to be under control, I still feel anxious, but am more able to control those feelings. However, there is one stone in my return to work shoe.....my sleep. I'm still not sleeping well, I either sleep too much or not enough  - waking up shattered and wanting to nap again later. This is the last hurdle I have to overcome, and I'm sure that when I'm working the sleep will be easier, at least I hope so.

This last week was supposed to be a week of fun, of enjoying these last few days and making sure I was in a good place ready for Monday. We did manage to head out and enjoy the sunshine on Tuesday, but on Wednesday I was walloped by a migraine, that has only just retreated today, so that wiped out Thursday completely :(

That means the (free - yay) visit to the cinema to see Avengers Assemble as been held off until the weekend. So here we are again....returning to work, having normal weekends, and getting back to myself! This time it's for good!

Getting There?

I've realised something today. Whilst driving home from Asda it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't felt anxious once.

Perhaps it's had something to do with Hague being away for the weekend, so I HAD to go out and walk Boo, and pop to the shops on my own, and I managed. Despite feeling anxious then, I got through, and so today, the first day of having Hague back, I've not felt panicky.

I'm really hoping this is real progress. I've been following my Occupational Health advisor's advice and it does seem to be slowly helping, it would be nice to think that maybe I'm getting there, that maybe, just maybe I'm only a matter of weeks away from being back to myself, feeling normal again. Able to cope like most other people cope with the normality of life from day to day.

My certificate runs out on Friday, and whilst I don't feel quite ready to go back, I'm certainly feeling like that isn't an impossibility, that going back will be happening sooner rather than later. A feeling I've not had in a long time!

So I shall keep pushing myself onwards, I shall keep doing as I'm advised, and with a bit of luck, I'll be back earning a living before too many more weeks have passed :)

Slowly Improving

2012 started off quite poorly as I blogged a couple of weeks ago, but since then it does seem to have bucked up its ideas a wee bit.
So far, in a mere 23 days this year has included two family deaths, a court hearing, still no CRB for Hague and utter skintness.

However....

Things are looking up, no-one else has died, thank goodness, and the court hearing last week went exceptionally well. Both Hague and his ex sat down and discussed the issues and came to an agreement together. Something that really does seem to have brought out the best in both of them and the current respectful, helpful and polite way that issues are being dealt with is the best thing we could have possible hoped for - long may it last for the good and welfare of all involved :) Add to that the fact that soon Hague will be having extended contact with his boys and it's definitely a bit of a high spot for the year so far!

The much delayed CRB finally seems to be in its final stages, Hague's soon to be employers are keeping him informed so hopefully he'll be back at work within the next few weeks. A development which will seriously help with the skintness, and will allow us to maybe start to save for some of the home improvements we've been unable to complete.

Finally my ground-breaking scheme to lose weight, Get Off My Butt And Do Stuff, has so far been working. The combination of being back at work, and so being way more active and me making little decisions regarding portion sizes and what I'm eating has resulted in my losing 4lbs so far this year. This means I'm still on track for my 1lb a week target without me feeling like I'm actually dieting or anything! Go me!

Soon I'll be back at work full time (next week) and so life will slowly be getting back to normal. I hope this is another huge step towards my full recovery. The last stage will be the slow removal of the anti-depressants, but baby steps eh?

Zooooooooom!

2012 has barely started and already we're nearly at the end of the first week! Madness! I really don't know where the time goes sometimes.

I've managed to complete 2 shifts so far this week, with a third to do tomorrow, and I'm getting more involved with the tasks in my eventual job as part of my phased return, however...I'm still not sure that I'll be going back full time in just over a week, but I have a review with my boss tomorrow, so things will be clearer then. I actually feel fine about being back at work. It's a nice change, and it definitely makes me feel a whole lot better just being there and getting to know the new people I'll be working with. That has to be a good sign, but I'm struggling with the routine, with sleep and controlling my moods - I'm sure a happy medium will be found that lets me continue at work until I'm ready to get back into it full time :)

As for the rest of the week, Hague has had a phone call and hopefully his CRB check is in it's final stages and he might be starting his training by the end of the month - which is wonderful news. We also managed to get a statement sorted and posted off in time for his next court hearing, and my 365 has continued unabated, so things are definitely looking up in just about every area right now :)

One thing I haven't managed to do is weigh myself. Rather than diet this year I'm going to just make little changes to make me fitter and healthier, merely being at work will increase my activity and I'll be just cutting back on fatty things for now...but I need a measure, and my weight will be it - so I need to get my fat 'ol butt on the scales so I can get me (yet another) weight ticker to track my progress.

All in all, not a bad start to the year as far as I'm concerned!

SO Much Progress!

Wow, what a whirlwind few days! I was incredibly nervous about going back to work. It's been so long since I've been in that I was in a right old state at 2.45pm on Monday as I made my way into my new department to meet my new manager...He really couldn't have been nicer, and in the two 4 hour shifts I've completed so far he has been amazingly supportive. I guess that's in everyone's interest but it's nice to know that I have people looking out for me in my family AND at work. I did have to change the pattern we had decided on, as I'd planned to go into work on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, however I woke up on Tuesday feeling utterly drained, but a quick chat with my manager and it was all changed. I have one more shift to do this week, on Friday, but after how this week has gone, I know I'll be fine. It's a nice feeling to have, and a nice place to be on my road to recovery.

Progress has also been made in the Christmas department. ALL the presents are now bought! I'm glad they are all done and dusted now, I just hope they are all liked! We also got all the wrapping gubbings and the cards so that side of Crimbo is all done! Yay us!

Dan's contact over Christmas and New Year has also been sorted, so everyone knows what's happening, so that's another tick on the old To Do list.

The only job left to do now is to get the decorations up. Now I'm back at work I'm looking at Tuesday to get that done, as we have a few bits to do on Thursday and on Saturday I'd like to try and get up to Horsey to see the baby seals. I think me and Hague might just have this Christmas thing sussed already.

With my return to work progressing, as is Dan's CRB check it looks like (fingers very much crossed) that 2012 might just start off on a good foot - here's hoping eh?

Milestones

I AM finally feeling Christmassy. After much delaying I have finally written out the cards and they are ready for posting. I have to admit that I was aided and abetted by Elf, which happened to be on the telly and has well and truly switched on my Christmas Spirit! So from here on in I'm hoping this good mood lasts for the remaining 2 weeks until the big day :)

A second, way more scarier milestone will be passed tomorrow. I have been absent from work since August 4th after suffering from an apparent breakdown caused by stress and depression. With help from two counsellors, my doctor, a healthcare advisor, my family and of course Hague I am now in the position where I will be going back to work. Tomorrow...

Part of me sort of feels like it's not quite happening, I've been away for so long that it seems unreal to be getting back to normal. Another part of me is absolutely bricking it about going back to the place that laid the final straw on my overstressed back and knocked me for six. I know I won't be sleeping much tonight, but I'll do my best. I'm pretty sure my work trousers won't be fitting me after 4 months of eating crap, but that's a minor issue. I have silly things whizzing around my head, where are my keys? Where is my clocking card? Work shoes? Hat? Will climbing the four storeys of stairs kill me on the first day? How are people going to be with me?.....It's going to be a hard day, but...I have a new Christmassy spirit, I have support from my family and I will have Hague to wave me off and be there with open arms when I get home

How bad could it possibly be? 

A Surprisingly Good Day!

When I woke up this morning after not enough sleep the day didn't promise much...It was only 9am, and ahead of me was a meeting at work, a counselling session, trying to remember my Mum's enormous order for my company shop and trying to juggle the finances as I'd managed to leave the Sky bill out of the monthly budget :(

But...

The work meeting went well. My new manager (another one) seems to understand that my return has to be handled carefully and together we have worked out which days and shifts I'll be working. Planning ahead seems to be the key to keeping me calm and so this was a perfect way to achieve something quite difficult. So, I shall be returning to work on December 12th and right now, I feel just fine about that :)

My counsellor was up next, and she was really pleased with my progress. It will be my last face to face session with her, and she has helped me so much over the last couple of months - even a month ago returning to work seemed miles away, but now I'm well on the way to recovery, able to cope much better with problems and much closer to the person I thought had gone AWOL for good!

After such good results from unexpected places the draw of going into town to see the Christmas lights switched on was just too much to resist. I love Christmas, and I love fireworks and this evening the two combined. I rather like the fact that it is practically December as well before the council switched on the lights - keeping it relatively special. The marketplace was packed, and the mood was joyous, little children everywhere festooned with reindeer antlers, santa hats and various neon crapola :) I managed to forget my tripod, so any technically perfect pictures were never going to happen, but I liked the results.

Due to the lights being switched on, the shops were open late and so we were able to pick up another present, the list is getting much shorter now :) Finally, when you're out on a chilly night, all wrapped up, literally NOTHING warms you up like a portion of market chips, fresh, delicious and hot! Me and Hague got a portion each, and wooden forks in hand devoured the paper wrapped morsels of nom. Just sitting eating the chips next to Hague, all cosy and with his birthday tomorrow just made me happy. Happy that I have him, happy that my life is getting back on track and happy that simple Christmas lights and fireworks can still create childish wonder in me.