Getting There?

I've realised something today. Whilst driving home from Asda it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't felt anxious once.

Perhaps it's had something to do with Hague being away for the weekend, so I HAD to go out and walk Boo, and pop to the shops on my own, and I managed. Despite feeling anxious then, I got through, and so today, the first day of having Hague back, I've not felt panicky.

I'm really hoping this is real progress. I've been following my Occupational Health advisor's advice and it does seem to be slowly helping, it would be nice to think that maybe I'm getting there, that maybe, just maybe I'm only a matter of weeks away from being back to myself, feeling normal again. Able to cope like most other people cope with the normality of life from day to day.

My certificate runs out on Friday, and whilst I don't feel quite ready to go back, I'm certainly feeling like that isn't an impossibility, that going back will be happening sooner rather than later. A feeling I've not had in a long time!

So I shall keep pushing myself onwards, I shall keep doing as I'm advised, and with a bit of luck, I'll be back earning a living before too many more weeks have passed :)

Zooooooooom!

2012 has barely started and already we're nearly at the end of the first week! Madness! I really don't know where the time goes sometimes.

I've managed to complete 2 shifts so far this week, with a third to do tomorrow, and I'm getting more involved with the tasks in my eventual job as part of my phased return, however...I'm still not sure that I'll be going back full time in just over a week, but I have a review with my boss tomorrow, so things will be clearer then. I actually feel fine about being back at work. It's a nice change, and it definitely makes me feel a whole lot better just being there and getting to know the new people I'll be working with. That has to be a good sign, but I'm struggling with the routine, with sleep and controlling my moods - I'm sure a happy medium will be found that lets me continue at work until I'm ready to get back into it full time :)

As for the rest of the week, Hague has had a phone call and hopefully his CRB check is in it's final stages and he might be starting his training by the end of the month - which is wonderful news. We also managed to get a statement sorted and posted off in time for his next court hearing, and my 365 has continued unabated, so things are definitely looking up in just about every area right now :)

One thing I haven't managed to do is weigh myself. Rather than diet this year I'm going to just make little changes to make me fitter and healthier, merely being at work will increase my activity and I'll be just cutting back on fatty things for now...but I need a measure, and my weight will be it - so I need to get my fat 'ol butt on the scales so I can get me (yet another) weight ticker to track my progress.

All in all, not a bad start to the year as far as I'm concerned!

Milestones

I AM finally feeling Christmassy. After much delaying I have finally written out the cards and they are ready for posting. I have to admit that I was aided and abetted by Elf, which happened to be on the telly and has well and truly switched on my Christmas Spirit! So from here on in I'm hoping this good mood lasts for the remaining 2 weeks until the big day :)

A second, way more scarier milestone will be passed tomorrow. I have been absent from work since August 4th after suffering from an apparent breakdown caused by stress and depression. With help from two counsellors, my doctor, a healthcare advisor, my family and of course Hague I am now in the position where I will be going back to work. Tomorrow...

Part of me sort of feels like it's not quite happening, I've been away for so long that it seems unreal to be getting back to normal. Another part of me is absolutely bricking it about going back to the place that laid the final straw on my overstressed back and knocked me for six. I know I won't be sleeping much tonight, but I'll do my best. I'm pretty sure my work trousers won't be fitting me after 4 months of eating crap, but that's a minor issue. I have silly things whizzing around my head, where are my keys? Where is my clocking card? Work shoes? Hat? Will climbing the four storeys of stairs kill me on the first day? How are people going to be with me?.....It's going to be a hard day, but...I have a new Christmassy spirit, I have support from my family and I will have Hague to wave me off and be there with open arms when I get home

How bad could it possibly be? 

Ups and Downs!

December has so far been a bit busy! The 1st is always exciting as it's Hague's birthday, tight funds meant that we couldn't really uber-celebrate, but he loved his pressies (Two and a Half Men box set and a Karl Pilkington t-shirt). We managed to scrape together enough for a Chinese and some alkyhol and we had a lovely evening watching trillions of episodes of TAAHM :)

 Pressies!

The Birthday Boy!

The next day was a bit of a bummer. I woke up with a horrible sore throat and a headache, never fun - and it meant that I spent the day indoors rather than outside at the Christmas Fayre!
With the continuing down theme, I still felt rough on Saturday and despite getting up late was in bed at 8pm, partly as I felt poo and partly as we had to be up early to go to Barnsley so Dan could see his boys...

Sleepy, Grumpy Karen!

Unfortunately his youngest was a bit under the weather, and so Dan made the decision not to go up. It's not fair to drag a 6 year old who's feeling icky away from his Mum and then on buses, hopefully he'll see them next weekend.
Surprisingly we didn't go back to bed, despite being up at 7am, we'd both showered, and by the time Dan had made the decision it was past 8.30 and although we stayed in bed for a little while longer, sleep wasn't forthcoming and so we had that rarest of things....an entire Sunday spread before us, with nothing planned!
It made sense to finally head for the Christmas Fayre, it usually contains lots of foodie stalls with noms to taste and the odd crafty stall. This year was a bit naff to be honest, but it was being held in the church. Now, Great Yarmouth's Parish Church, St Nicholas is ENORMOUS, it's the largest Parish Church in England and as such it was rather lovely to have a wander around. There are displays and information boards all around the Church and we spent quite a while exploring and finding out little known facts...

1. The church was founded in 1101
2. Nelson returned in triumph after battles to the church to be blessed.
3. Bodies were stolen from the graveyard and taken down to London
4. In the 1500's 5 men were banned from the Church after bartering for Herring during a service.
5. The church was all but destroyed during WWII, but rebuilt in the 1960's

Fascinating :o) Of course I took lots of piccies too...

It truly is a beautiful Church, despite me being of Pagan persuasion, I can appreciate the beauty of the building and the various altars, chapels and windows.

So, not a bad morning at all really, add into that a rather impressive haul of 3, yes THREE fleeces and a bad day has turned out not so bad after all. Tonight we also have chocolate cake which was supposed to be a part of a birthday surprise for Hague, but now has to be eaten by us.....I've had worse days!

'Tis the season to spot fleeces...

Finally, I know I'm late with the Book Club, I have been a major slacker and only read 3 books this month (and I only finished one of those on the 3rd of December)....but I will let you know what I thought very soon!

A Surprisingly Good Day!

When I woke up this morning after not enough sleep the day didn't promise much...It was only 9am, and ahead of me was a meeting at work, a counselling session, trying to remember my Mum's enormous order for my company shop and trying to juggle the finances as I'd managed to leave the Sky bill out of the monthly budget :(

But...

The work meeting went well. My new manager (another one) seems to understand that my return has to be handled carefully and together we have worked out which days and shifts I'll be working. Planning ahead seems to be the key to keeping me calm and so this was a perfect way to achieve something quite difficult. So, I shall be returning to work on December 12th and right now, I feel just fine about that :)

My counsellor was up next, and she was really pleased with my progress. It will be my last face to face session with her, and she has helped me so much over the last couple of months - even a month ago returning to work seemed miles away, but now I'm well on the way to recovery, able to cope much better with problems and much closer to the person I thought had gone AWOL for good!

After such good results from unexpected places the draw of going into town to see the Christmas lights switched on was just too much to resist. I love Christmas, and I love fireworks and this evening the two combined. I rather like the fact that it is practically December as well before the council switched on the lights - keeping it relatively special. The marketplace was packed, and the mood was joyous, little children everywhere festooned with reindeer antlers, santa hats and various neon crapola :) I managed to forget my tripod, so any technically perfect pictures were never going to happen, but I liked the results.

Due to the lights being switched on, the shops were open late and so we were able to pick up another present, the list is getting much shorter now :) Finally, when you're out on a chilly night, all wrapped up, literally NOTHING warms you up like a portion of market chips, fresh, delicious and hot! Me and Hague got a portion each, and wooden forks in hand devoured the paper wrapped morsels of nom. Just sitting eating the chips next to Hague, all cosy and with his birthday tomorrow just made me happy. Happy that I have him, happy that my life is getting back on track and happy that simple Christmas lights and fireworks can still create childish wonder in me.

Being Thankful

I'm English, but in this ever decreasing world of ours I have friends all over the world, and as such I can't fail to acknowledge that today is the day our colonial friends celebrate Thanksgiving. Now I don't claim to know much about the whole Thanksgiving thing beyond turkeys, pilgrims and Indians, but taking time to give thanks for the good things in your life can't be a bad thing.
So here, to remind me that all is not darkness, are some of the things I am truly thankful for...

1. Hague, as always. The support of a partner is something beyond measure. There is a good reason that marriage vows have that richer/poorer and sickness/health malarky!
2. Boo and Flump. A house just isn't a home without pets, they bring so much love and want little in return. Nothing can calm me as quickly as a cuddle from one of the fluffy little monsters :)
3. My family.I've had ups and downs during my life with my family, I'l be the first to admit it...but over the last year or so they have been there for me in ways only family can be. Patient, understanding and caring, what more could I ask for?
4. My health - yes I've had health problems this year, but the treatment has been swift and I am definitely starting to feel that I'm on the up, I'm looking very much forward to getting back to work. Besides, looper status aside, the rest of me is pretty healthy :)
5. My friends. I am definitely of the quality over quantity camp when it comes to friends. I don't have hundreds, but the ones I do have are amazing. I know that if I need anything, if it's in their power they will help in any way they can. I am so very, very thankful for them, be they childhood friends, friends of long standing, or friends who are of the online variety. I love and cherish everyone of them.
6. My house. It may be scruffy, it may be in need of a tidy and needs a million little jobs doing - but - it's our home, it's warm, it's full of love and it has a pink elephant fairy hanging from the ceiling in the living room :)
7. Jenna and Carys. Yes they're family, but I feel they need their own category. The simple, unconditional love from little people is something truly wonderful, and to have two such loving, kind, sweet and beautiful little girls in my life is something I will always be thankful for.
8. Living by the sea. An odd thing maybe, but I love it. I am thankful that if I need some fresh, cleansing air I can be on the beach within 5 minutes. I can sit on the sand, hidden in the dunes and just listen to the sea, perfect peace, right on my doorstep!

So very much to be thankful for really. I hope I'm getting close to my optimistic, glass half full self and that my list of things to be thankful for will be even longer in 2012.