Sleep. The Final Frontier!

The time is almost upon us. On Monday I shall (once again) be heading back to work. This time I'm hoping it's for good, no more trip ups or bumps in the road, just a straight up back to work and back to normality!

My moods are pretty much there, no more wild swings and deep depressive days. My anxiety seems to be under control, I still feel anxious, but am more able to control those feelings. However, there is one stone in my return to work shoe.....my sleep. I'm still not sleeping well, I either sleep too much or not enough  - waking up shattered and wanting to nap again later. This is the last hurdle I have to overcome, and I'm sure that when I'm working the sleep will be easier, at least I hope so.

This last week was supposed to be a week of fun, of enjoying these last few days and making sure I was in a good place ready for Monday. We did manage to head out and enjoy the sunshine on Tuesday, but on Wednesday I was walloped by a migraine, that has only just retreated today, so that wiped out Thursday completely :(

That means the (free - yay) visit to the cinema to see Avengers Assemble as been held off until the weekend. So here we are again....returning to work, having normal weekends, and getting back to myself! This time it's for good!

Coming Out The Other Side

It's been an age since I've blogged. I guess the urge to share my life disappears slightly when each day blends into the other, locked in a Groundhog Day existence of similar, anxious days and sleepless nights.

However, over the last couple of weeks, I've noticed a rather pleasant change. Slowly, but surely my anxious moments are lessening. My moods are quite even now. I am able to leave the house on my own and be just fine. Today I had a meeting at work, something that a few weeks ago would have thrown me into days of anxiety, passed by without incident. A HUGE step forward for me, and something I'm quite proud of. It looks like I'm finally getting there, finally getting back to normality, and am now just over a week away from a return to work - I'm feeling okay about that too.

I'm also still in love with my iPhone. I love the things it can do, I love the camera, I love the apps and I love the sheer fact that it streamlines everything into one phone. Just wonderful :)

I'm sure I'll be blogging more now that I'm starting to feel a lot better, here's hoping anyway!

Getting There?

I've realised something today. Whilst driving home from Asda it suddenly occurred to me that I hadn't felt anxious once.

Perhaps it's had something to do with Hague being away for the weekend, so I HAD to go out and walk Boo, and pop to the shops on my own, and I managed. Despite feeling anxious then, I got through, and so today, the first day of having Hague back, I've not felt panicky.

I'm really hoping this is real progress. I've been following my Occupational Health advisor's advice and it does seem to be slowly helping, it would be nice to think that maybe I'm getting there, that maybe, just maybe I'm only a matter of weeks away from being back to myself, feeling normal again. Able to cope like most other people cope with the normality of life from day to day.

My certificate runs out on Friday, and whilst I don't feel quite ready to go back, I'm certainly feeling like that isn't an impossibility, that going back will be happening sooner rather than later. A feeling I've not had in a long time!

So I shall keep pushing myself onwards, I shall keep doing as I'm advised, and with a bit of luck, I'll be back earning a living before too many more weeks have passed :)

Overwhelmed

When you're not feeling great, you feel so very alone. That's how I felt yesterday when I posted my blog. Alone, helpless, a let down and a failure.

I honestly didn't expect anything more than a few virtual hugs as people got on with their own lives with their own problems. What I got was something amazing...

My friends and family, from all over the world, with friendships spanning both years and months reaching out to me. Some left lovely comments to let me know they were thinking of me, others took the time to send messages of support and love, and to share their experiences, simply to let me know things WILL get better.

Every single person who took the time to help me made me feel a million times better, every word helped to make me feel stronger, every drop of love and compassion typed through a computer may have made me cry - but they were humble tears, and I don't think I can even begin to thank you all as much as you deserve for what you did.

You may not have realised it, but you helped me beyond measure yesterday, and I appreciated it more than I can say.

xxx

Going Backwards

It's 6.12am on a Monday morning and I should be at work. I have spent the last fortnight doing my utmost to get my head straight, to stop the stressy, anxious feelings and have myself back to work today.

I've failed.

I wish I knew the reasons behind this backward step, I wish I knew why anxiety grips me when I contemplate returning to work. I WAS back at work, I was getting back into the swing of it, I was (just about) coping with the shifts and was getting to know my new workmates and making friends. Yet now I find myself going back to the days of feeling like I'm letting everyone down, the days of being in tears due to the sheer frustration of feeling so damn useless.

I'm still on my medication, even my sleep seems to be getting a bit better (earplugs FTW!), but I feel trapped inside my own head, trapped by my own inability to cope with the simplest task of just going to work in the morning.

If you have never suffered from a depressive illness, you're probably reading this and thinking "Oh pull yourself together for goodness sake", and I wish more than anything it was that easy. When you are trying to cope with a mental illness the effects are just as crushing as a physical ailment. This morning I literally could not get myself ready for work. I even got up early as I knew it would be a bit of a hurdle for me, but when you are still sitting in the bathroom after twenty minutes, telling yourself in so many different ways that you NEED to go to work, you NEED to at least get yourself dressed and the only achievement you manage is to reduce yourself to tears the barrier might as well be a brick wall rather than your own head.

I'm not sure why I'm sharing this, I'm in tears still as I type, wondering what it will take just to get me back to where I was a few short weeks ago. I want to be me, I want to be normal, I want my life back - but right now I feel like I have a mountain to climb, and despite having support, in reality only I can drag myself back up, a task that right now might as well be an actual mountain soaring over my head :(

Zooooooooom!

2012 has barely started and already we're nearly at the end of the first week! Madness! I really don't know where the time goes sometimes.

I've managed to complete 2 shifts so far this week, with a third to do tomorrow, and I'm getting more involved with the tasks in my eventual job as part of my phased return, however...I'm still not sure that I'll be going back full time in just over a week, but I have a review with my boss tomorrow, so things will be clearer then. I actually feel fine about being back at work. It's a nice change, and it definitely makes me feel a whole lot better just being there and getting to know the new people I'll be working with. That has to be a good sign, but I'm struggling with the routine, with sleep and controlling my moods - I'm sure a happy medium will be found that lets me continue at work until I'm ready to get back into it full time :)

As for the rest of the week, Hague has had a phone call and hopefully his CRB check is in it's final stages and he might be starting his training by the end of the month - which is wonderful news. We also managed to get a statement sorted and posted off in time for his next court hearing, and my 365 has continued unabated, so things are definitely looking up in just about every area right now :)

One thing I haven't managed to do is weigh myself. Rather than diet this year I'm going to just make little changes to make me fitter and healthier, merely being at work will increase my activity and I'll be just cutting back on fatty things for now...but I need a measure, and my weight will be it - so I need to get my fat 'ol butt on the scales so I can get me (yet another) weight ticker to track my progress.

All in all, not a bad start to the year as far as I'm concerned!

SO Much Progress!

Wow, what a whirlwind few days! I was incredibly nervous about going back to work. It's been so long since I've been in that I was in a right old state at 2.45pm on Monday as I made my way into my new department to meet my new manager...He really couldn't have been nicer, and in the two 4 hour shifts I've completed so far he has been amazingly supportive. I guess that's in everyone's interest but it's nice to know that I have people looking out for me in my family AND at work. I did have to change the pattern we had decided on, as I'd planned to go into work on Monday, Tuesday and Thursday, however I woke up on Tuesday feeling utterly drained, but a quick chat with my manager and it was all changed. I have one more shift to do this week, on Friday, but after how this week has gone, I know I'll be fine. It's a nice feeling to have, and a nice place to be on my road to recovery.

Progress has also been made in the Christmas department. ALL the presents are now bought! I'm glad they are all done and dusted now, I just hope they are all liked! We also got all the wrapping gubbings and the cards so that side of Crimbo is all done! Yay us!

Dan's contact over Christmas and New Year has also been sorted, so everyone knows what's happening, so that's another tick on the old To Do list.

The only job left to do now is to get the decorations up. Now I'm back at work I'm looking at Tuesday to get that done, as we have a few bits to do on Thursday and on Saturday I'd like to try and get up to Horsey to see the baby seals. I think me and Hague might just have this Christmas thing sussed already.

With my return to work progressing, as is Dan's CRB check it looks like (fingers very much crossed) that 2012 might just start off on a good foot - here's hoping eh?

Milestones

I AM finally feeling Christmassy. After much delaying I have finally written out the cards and they are ready for posting. I have to admit that I was aided and abetted by Elf, which happened to be on the telly and has well and truly switched on my Christmas Spirit! So from here on in I'm hoping this good mood lasts for the remaining 2 weeks until the big day :)

A second, way more scarier milestone will be passed tomorrow. I have been absent from work since August 4th after suffering from an apparent breakdown caused by stress and depression. With help from two counsellors, my doctor, a healthcare advisor, my family and of course Hague I am now in the position where I will be going back to work. Tomorrow...

Part of me sort of feels like it's not quite happening, I've been away for so long that it seems unreal to be getting back to normal. Another part of me is absolutely bricking it about going back to the place that laid the final straw on my overstressed back and knocked me for six. I know I won't be sleeping much tonight, but I'll do my best. I'm pretty sure my work trousers won't be fitting me after 4 months of eating crap, but that's a minor issue. I have silly things whizzing around my head, where are my keys? Where is my clocking card? Work shoes? Hat? Will climbing the four storeys of stairs kill me on the first day? How are people going to be with me?.....It's going to be a hard day, but...I have a new Christmassy spirit, I have support from my family and I will have Hague to wave me off and be there with open arms when I get home

How bad could it possibly be?