Stepping Back

I may come across as someone who is a bit silly, a bit scatty and even childish at times, but I have a worrying control freak side to me.
I tend not to worry about things I can do nothing about, but if I can influence the outcome then I will worry, and worry to a ridiculous degree.
It started off with my ex, who needed encouragement to do anything, as his default setting was not to do a lot. So I would find myself taking the lead, encouraging, cajoling and let's be honest here, nagging to ensure things were done, in the end, it's normally easier just to do it yourself.

Now, I'm with Dan, and much as I love him, he can be someone who will quite happily put his head in the sand about problems and issues if they start to spiral out of control. I know why he is like this, but couldn't deal with being the driving force behind another man and between us we have managed to turn that negative attribute around.

However, much as Dan will now deal with the majority of his problems himself, I still find it hard to stop myself from asking, pushing and encouraging him when he has to deal with something nasty, hard or emotionally draining. This is what has been pushing me over the edge and I now know that I need to step back. It's a simple thing to say, but such a hard thing to actually do! I have such a fear that if I don't push, things won't get done, that passivity will become second nature again for Dan when he has pushed himself further with dealing with things that I have ever seen him.

I think a lot of this boils down to the fact that I know he does still find some things hard, so I want to be there to help him in anyway that I possibly can, and by doing this we have already achieved a hell of a lot together, however, the time has now come for me to ease off the control. I need to believe that if something is important to Dan he will do it for himself, he doesn't need his hand holding, he is a grown man and is more than capable of dealing with any dragons that may appear in his life.

I guess this is what counselling is for, to make you think about your behaviour, and see how it causes self inflicted problems. It has made me think about where the fine line is between support and control, between concern and worrying to such a level that it makes you ill. It has already stopped me doing things which served no purpose other than to upset me, and hopefully will give me a more grounded attitude to dealing with the unpleasantness that life sometimes dishes out. Veering wildly between over optimism and crushing defeatist depression is not a good way of coping!

I can already feel optimism starting to grow again inside me, there is a small spark of the start of a positive attitude, and with the New Year hurtling towards us, it feels like a good place to start :o)