Running on Empty!

Wow I'm tired! It's been one hell of a week, and with any luck Hague will be home tomorrow!
It's been a long while since I've been this tired, a combination of the worry, emotional ups and downs and just lack of rest have made me feel like one of the non-duracell bunnies from the advert...just getting slower and slower.


It has been a hard week, but I'm definitely feeling tons better now, just seeing Dan looking so obviously on the mend, and utterly without tubes has been fabulous, although I've had to be very brave today and deal with a spider, something that is normally something firmly in Dan's jurisdiction! I'm very proud of myself :)


Roll on tomorrow, fingers crossed for the news we're both waiting for!!

Happier, Brighter and Positive!

A much, much better today. Oh what a difference a day makes! It was like visiting a different person this evening. The quiet, depressed man I visited yesterday has morphed back into my wonderful boyfriend :)


Despite a crappy day, starting out with throwing up, Exorcist stylee, being banned from food, ignored by a Consultant and no progress with tube removal, I wasn't expecting much in the way of a good mood from Dan....but what a lovely surprise....Although frustrated, and angry, he was in a feisty, rather than defeated mood and it was so good to see.


It's so good to have come home, with the memories of giggling together, smiling at each other and chuckling over the teeny acts of rebellion he has planned for tomorrow.


I really think he's finally on the mend, and I couldn't be happier!!!


On another bright note, work have been amazing, allowing me to take the 3 days I've already had as compassionate leave, and will allow me to work from home when Dan is discharged, so I can be here for him when he settles back in at home :)


In the scheme of current things, today has been a good day, and I know I will sleep tonight knowing that the man I love is a lot brighter, and a lot closer to his old self.

Trying to stay afloat

I'm sure these blogs will be boringly similar, but it is helping me to get through these days without Dan to just witter on about how I'm feeling.


I'm missing him ridiculous amounts, and I'm scared as well. He is rapidly going downhill into depression at being stuck in hospital. It seems that the better he is getting physically, the worse he is mentally. Tonight's visit was almost like visiting someone I didn't know - and there is nothing I can do to help.


I feel like everything I'm asking him is annoying him, when I try to help, or to chat, I feel like he is biting his tongue from telling me to sod off. He is so angry and frustrated, and he has a long recovery ahead of him.


I'm so upset at seeing him like this, I want to be able to cheer him up when I see him, but nothing seems to lift him. I can't wait for him to come out and be at home, at least he will be more comfortable then, and have things to do, even if it is just watch sky and go on Facebook.


I love him so, so much, and I just want My Daniel back, I want to be able to see him smile, to hold his hand, feel him lying next to me and for him to be happy again.

Lonely times

I'm finding this really hard. Dan has been in hospital for 3 nights now, and I've left him for the 4th one.
I am getting to see him for 5 hours a day, and it's only that long as I'm ignoring the break between visiting times.
He is getting so fed up with being in hospital, with being unable to even get out of bed and having pretty much nothing to do except stare at a 14" television for hours on end.
I find it so upsetting to see him like this. My big, strong, gorgeous man with tubes going in and coming out and struggling to move without being in pain.
I feel so helpless, I can't take his pain away, or give him any more mobility, I can't raise his mood any more than the odd smile now and again whilst we talk....
The hardest thing is that all I can do is hold his hand....I am desperate to feel his arms around me, to be able to lie next to him and feel him lying close to me, to have more than a quick hello and goodbye peck.
I've not felt this out of sorts since we've been together - I'm feeling like I'm moving through a thick fog, insulated from everything happening "outside". I know he will get better, I know this will not last, that he'll be out soon and well on his way to his old self - but right now I'm struggling to cope without him.

Am I sad? Or just lucky?

I've just had the call I was waiting for, the man I love is out of surgery, minus his "nasty appendix" and comfortable.


I am so relieved, I didn't realise quite how tense I was until I heard he was okay! Funny how that happens, and although I'm a bit teary, I'm much calmer now. 


Now I face another problem....sleeping! I have been living with Dan for close to 2 years now. In that time you can count on one hand the nights we have spent apart. During the night we reach out for each other, and need to have some contact to sleep soundly.


Some may call this a bit sad, and to some, I guess it is. I just consider it part of the closeness I feel to him, part of our togetherness, and part of what makes him my lobster ;)

Scary Day!

It's been a long day, and it's not over yet! Hague has been ill since last week, we both thought he had a nasty bout of food poisoning, and that he had maybe pulled a stomach muscle as he was so ill....


From first feeling ill on Friday, he was in agony this morning, and rang the GP. Almost straight away he diagnosed a ruptured appendix! The symptoms are scarily close to that of an upset stomach, only with no diarrhoea and increasing pain, so on a plus side I've learnt that if I'm throwing up and my pee looks like lucozade, I'd best get myself checked out!  


He was taken by ambulance to the hospital, and although I was feeling quite calm, I was also pretty scared, I don't know much, but I know a burst appendix is dangerous. The staff at the James Paget were good, and he was on a ward within about 2 1/2 hours of coming in.


He went up to surgery at 8pm tonight. I am waiting to call the ward to see how it went. I'm so worried, which I know is natural, but I just want to hear that he is alright. It sounds soppy and clichéd, but it's at times like this your feelings for someone are reinforced just that little bit more. I can't wait to see him tomorrow, and after him being in pretty much too much pain for a big hug for the last day or so, I can't wait for an enormous cuddle either.


Me and Hague...

Being constructive

You may have noticed that I have a week off work booked. I'm not going away, just chilling out for a week, however there are also some things I'd like to finally get done whilst I'm off, so I thought I would list them on here, as a little bit of an incentive to get them done!

1. Sort out my wardrobe.
2. Sort out the cupboard under the stairs.
3. Give the bedroom a huge spring clean.
4. Sort all the random paperwork scattered around the house.
5. Sort out the airing cupboard and launder all the towels in there.
6. Sort everything in the house that can be ebay-ed, and ebay it!
7. Sort out the kitchen cupboards.

As you can see, I'm going to be busy, but I also have a list of nice things I want to do...

1. Get inked (tattoo is booked for October 11th).
2. Watch all the Come Dine With Me episodes on my Sky+ box (loads! glee!).
3. Watch the old BBC Narnia DVD's.
4. Have a pamper day (just indoors, just me lol).
5. Get a manicure ( I can't wear nail varnish at work, so will be a treat to have painted nails).
6. Be a good little wifey to Dan, cook his meals and generally look after him all week.

It will be quite the novelty just pleasing myself for a week. Since Dan moved in, he was at first unemployed, and now works shorter hours than me, so I am never in the house alone, it will be strange having the place to myself again :)

I wonder how many from each list will get done! lol!

Sooooooo bored!

I am bored.....Dan is sick, and is sleeping, but he only really sleeps when I'm here - so here I am.
I don't want to wake him, so can't put the TV on. Same goes for reading as the curtains are closed!
Facebook has entertained me as much as it's able to, and the rest of the t'interwebs will just be full of things I want to buy but can't so will make me grumpy as well as bored!
Trust me to wake up early on a day of nothingness *sigh*


Oh well, when you love someone you take the rough with the smooth, so I guess I'll have to find something in a dark bedroom to entertain myself, as typing this blog took mere moments to do!

Heading in the right direction

Another week, another weigh in, and once again I’m heading in the right direction! Another lb off this week gives me a total loss of 16½ lbs gone in 7 weeks, not a bad loss at all, and I’m still enjoying the diet as much as ever.
I’ve always avoided calorie counting before as I was always worried I wouldn’t have enough to eat, but this has been a real eye-opener! Some days I can’t eat everything I’m supposed to. So, 7 weeks in and Tesco diets are still getting a big thumbs up from me!

In other news, as they say, the crates arrived yesterday for Mutley and Boo. Mutley took to his like a duck to water, with his bedding in there he was more than happy to settle down and snuggle up in there. Perhaps as it’s keeping Bayleigh out of his way lol!
Madam Boo was more of a problem, at first she just glared at it, then barked and howled at it, but after a bit of reassurance she went in and seems happy enough to curl up in there.

It’s going to be a slow process getting to the point where they are happy to be shut in there, so far the doors have remained open, but I’m hoping that this, and the set times for “outside time” (dumping to me and you lol) we’ll have much happier, settled doggies, and no mess in the house…..

….Which leads nicely to my next little ambition…to reclaim downstairs, and have a lovely living room again. One step at a time though methinks!

Break or Break?

 I need a break. Not just in a wishy washy “Ooh a day off would be nice” I need to have some time to myself, to relax, to wind down and just recharge my batteries.


In my previous job, I used to get 10 weeks off a year, fair enough I couldn’t choose when to take them, but I still got a break from work. I started this job in January 2008 and since that time I have only had 3 full weeks off, and none of those were for holiday – I was either ill, or having some personal trauma.


It’s now September 2010, and the longest amount of time I’ve had away from work just to chill has been 3 days…. Not enough, and when you consider what the last 2½ years have consisted of, nowhere near enough!


They say there is a hierarchy of stressful events, I think I’ve been through most of them recently, except for death and moving!


 Coming to terms with the fact that my marriage was over, the aftermath of that and the resulting divorce, including the knowledge that I was breaking someone’s heart in the process.


 The realisation that I was falling in love with my friend’s husband, and that he was falling in love with me (not as clear cut as the statement suggests, but still not the most romantic way to meet).


 The massive and continuing fallout of the breakdown of his marriage.


 The struggle to gain access to his children.


 Dan being out of work for 18 months.


 The resulting debt problems from supporting both of us through that time.


So, it hasn’t been a bed of roses. It’s not doom and gloom, our relationship has taken a number of serious batterings in its short life, but we are still together, and still happy, but dealing with everything just gets too much sometimes!!


Although I only get 5 precious weeks of holiday a year, I am taking a week in October. It will be a week for me. I will be doing what I want, when I want for the entire week. I will be relaxing and just enjoying some me time, and hopefully recharging my batteries for what the rest of the year is going to bring us.


I’m hoping that just taking some time out will be enough and that I’ll come back calmer, stronger and de-frazzled, after all, that’s what holidays are for!

Simple Joys

I seem to have a very childlike view of rainbows. The sight of one just makes me break out into a huge grin. Even if I am getting soaking wet in a shower, if I look up and see one I forget the rain, stop, look and smile.


Every time I see one, if I have a camera on me, I'll try and take a picture, funny how they can all look so different. The picture above was taken as I was leaving work, as you can see, the sky is clear, but there it was - beautiful.


The one below was taken in Great Yarmouth, it was amazing. A full, double rainbow. You can just about make out the second one above the first. Such a rarity to see, and although I couldn't get the whole of it into the photo, I still like the picture. For me, silly as I am, it was a "Wow" moment that I wanted to record.


Strange how such moments of the simple beauty of nature can make you stop everything and appreciate the wonders of the everyday world.

Weighty Wednesdays!

If you ever read my LiveJournal blog, (ClicketyLinkety) you'll know I started a new diet on the 2nd of August. Today was my 6th weigh in and I've now lost a grand total of 15 1/2lbs in that time.
I've added my ticker to this blog as well, so it will be a constant source of motivation seeing it getting closer and closer to my target as I stay on plan.


As you can see from the ticker, I have a lot to lose, but (once again, lol) I am determined to do it this time. I'm well on my way there, and Dan is great support, when he isn't plying me with alkyhol that is ;)


Wednesdays are anticipated for another reason, it's the day that Dan gets to chat to his boys on the phone. Just being able to hear him speak to them, and hear how excited they are to talk to their Dad is something special, and I know it gives him a huge boost, but it leaves me happy as well, even hearing them is better than nothing.


On top of all that......it's HumpDay as well! What's not to like? :)

Dogs....Man's Best Friend???!!?

Don't they look adorable? Oh the joys of dog ownership, fancy sharing your life with two beautiful doggies like that.......Hmmm not so much today. Today I am at the end of my tether with the pair of them. 


Between them they have pretty much destroyed the downstairs of the house, and for some reason have decided to forget that they are house trained, we cannot leave the house without one or the other of them messing somewhere. We have tried everything to get them to behave, to remember their housetraining but no luck.


So we have come to a decision, we shall be crate training them. If they can't be trusted to be out, they will be crated when we are at work. Dogs tend not to see crates as we do, they seem them as security, but I can see we are going to have our work cut out with training a 5 year old Basset and a 13 year old Doberman to love a crate.


It will work, I will make sure it works, I'll make sure they are happy and secure in their new cratey homes and I AM going to claim back the living room for human habitation - and who knows, maybe, just maybe I'll be able to have a new sofa without fears of it getting destroyed (by dogs anyway!)

Wonderful weekend

I had a lovely weekend, it's always nice to get out and about, and this weekend was the Maritime Festival in Yarmouth. So we had a nice afternoon in the sun. We then came home and got utterly sozzled, this wasn't planned, but we were up til daylight appeared and then some! :)

I'll grow up one day I guess....just not quite yet! Yesterday was spent recovering for obvious reasons, and now I'm back at work, back to the daily grind - and without a lottery win again this Saturday, it looks like I'm here for the whole week!

In other news, Dan had an interview today for a permanent job at his current placement. I hope more than anything he gets it - he loves it there, and I think it would be wonderful if he didn't have to worry about leaving in October.

Everything was crossed for you Babe! x

*Gets Comfy*

I have moved, LiveJournal is annoying me, with it's pay for this, pay for that attitude, I don't even know if anyone is reading my inane witterings, so I find myself in pastures new. I shall keep my old LiveJournal blog up, so if you should wish to get up to date, get yourself to LiveJournal Blogness where you can get up to speed!


Here's to a new home :)